Official "clean"joke thread

[.Lefteris.]

WHICH? FLORIDA or THE MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one

blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther way.... Florida or the

Moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see

Florida ?????'


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the

mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes,

it is idling smoothly...

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her

very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today

you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another

blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts,

'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and

shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said

that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then

she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and

screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she

touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway..

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that

the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,

the trooper cranked down his window,

turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other

and shook their heads... 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!' said the Russian..

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls

your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and

then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and

asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one

was named Rolex and one was named Timex.. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard

of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the

blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
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[.Lefteris.]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. And bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day...


The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."


Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."


The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already..,"


They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."


The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"


Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."


The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"


Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.


"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"


They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."


Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."


The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"


Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.


So we gave him his two dollars back."
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[.Lefteris.]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...


He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”

[.Lefteris.]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father...She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

And, what is that?' asked the priest.

Should I tell her the war is over?

[.Lefteris.]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ............... "Go get your mother."

[Cadbury]

Oh well done ! Loved 'em !

[Animo]

How many blonde jokes ! :p

Love them. :icon_thumleft:

[.Lefteris.]

You can all post a new ones on this thread! ;) :D

[Kertallica]

I'll be driving a little more carefully in GTA from now on. Because if virtual infidelity can cause actual divorce, virtual car accidents can cause my actual insurance premium to increase!

[wreckmaster]

I'll be driving a little more carefully in GTA from now on. Because if virtual infidelity can cause actual divorce, virtual car accidents can cause my actual insurance premium to increase!

lollol

[.Lefteris.]

lol

[Animo]

I'll be driving a little more carefully in GTA from now on. Because if virtual infidelity can cause actual divorce, virtual car accidents can cause my actual insurance premium to increase!

:roflmfao:

[.Lefteris.]

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say,
'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'

You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him cross de bayou." http://www.srtv8.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[wreckmaster]

:clappinghands::roflmfao:

[.Lefteris.]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[navy48]

...A young farm boy moved from his small home town to the big city and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says , 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in my home town.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook.

Then I sold him a medium fishhook.

Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that huge 4x4 truck.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's SHOT -- you should go fishing !' :D

[.Lefteris.]

We have the same one here in Greece and it is a very old one, is the, if you not :sex_: why not go fishing lol

[navy48]

We have the same one here in Greece and it is a very old one, is the, if you not :sex_: why not go fishing lol



I was TRYING to keep it clean......you know, like the title of this thread. :rolleyes:

I'll try again after I get some pics emailed.....to someone. Now who was it that I need to send them to?????:icon_rolleyes:

[.Lefteris.]

lol

[navy48]

UNITED AIRLINES AGENT

RE: United Airlines Agent at Gate 14 in the Denver Airport

It happened at the Denver Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the
guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out
there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.



A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first and then I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone:

"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice
heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get
in line for that, too." :D

[wreckmaster]

The best I have read in a long timelollol Excellent:icon_thumleft:

[.Lefteris.]

lol lol lol

[.Lefteris.]

A man and wife were awakened at 3 AM by a pounding on the front door. The man got up and went down to discover a drunken stranger standing in the driving rain, asking for a push.
"Are you nuts ? " the man exclaimed, "it's 3 in the morning and pouring rain" whereupon he slammed the door and went back to the bedroom.

"Who was it ?" his wife asked. "Some drunken fool asking for a push" he answered.
"Well, did you help him ?" she asked.
"Hell no," he replied, "it's 3 in the morning and pouring rain."
"Well you have a short memory. Don't you recall a couple of months ago when we were broken down and those two men helped us ? I think you should go give the fellow a push, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
He obediently got up, put on his shoes and raincoat and went to the front door, where he found that it was now raining even harder.
"Are you still there ?" he called out over the din.
"Yes." came the reply.
Stepping out onto the porch he called again, "Do you still need a push ?"
"Oh yes, please" came the answer.
"Well,, where are you ?" asked the man.

"Over here, on the swing." :relaxing:

[.Lefteris.]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards . The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father".

The little boy replied, " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered , ''I am the Father of many".

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar". :rolleyes:

[Kertallica]

lollollol Last one is brilliant!

[navy48]

Darwin Awards

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved..

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***

[wreckmaster]

lollol Just great:icon_thumleft: That number 10 ( gasolin / sewage mixup) actually happend here a couple of years back alsolollol

[Peter O]

Great stories. biggrin2

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***
Everyone knows some of them.

[Kertallica]

I so love these awards :D lol

[.Lefteris.]

lol

[5OO]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asks to see his driver's license.

"I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI."

"May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" the officer asks.

"It's not my car. I stole it."

"The car is stolen?"

"That's right," says the man. "But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

The incredulous police officer stammers, "There's a gun in the glove box?

"Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her body in the trunk.

"There's a body in the trunk?

"Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Police soon surround the car, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the tense situation:

"Sir, may I see your license?" he asks.

"Sure. Here it is."

The license is valid.

"Whose car is this?" asks the captain.

"It's mine, officer," the man reports. "Here's the owner's card."

The card is valid and proves the man is the car's owner.

"Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

"Yes, sir, but there's no gun in there."

Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

"Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

"No problem." The man opens the trunk. There's no body.

"I don't understand this," says the captain. "The officer who stopped you says you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

"Yeah," says the driver, "and I'll bet the lying so-and-so told you I was speeding, too.

[wreckmaster]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asks to see his driver's license.

"I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI."

"May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" the officer asks.

"It's not my car. I stole it."

"The car is stolen?"

"That's right," says the man. "But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

The incredulous police officer stammers, "There's a gun in the glove box?

"Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her body in the trunk.

"There's a body in the trunk?

"Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Police soon surround the car, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the tense situation:

"Sir, may I see your license?" he asks.

"Sure. Here it is."

The license is valid.

"Whose car is this?" asks the captain.

"It's mine, officer," the man reports. "Here's the owner's card."

The card is valid and proves the man is the car's owner.

"Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

"Yes, sir, but there's no gun in there."

Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

"Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

"No problem." The man opens the trunk. There's no body.

"I don't understand this," says the captain. "The officer who stopped you says you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

"Yeah," says the driver, "and I'll bet the lying so-and-so told you I was speeding, too.




lollol Might be worth trying.......:icon_thumleft:

[.Lefteris.]

lol lol lol

[.Lefteris.]

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice rear ends.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel-chair
accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[Abarthlyness]

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice rear ends.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel-chair
accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet
at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.


That's greatlol

[Abarthlyness]

How about this one... It's , borderline clean!

A Pirate walks into a bar, and walks up to the bar tender and asks for some rum.

It's at this time that the bar keep notices that the Pirate has a steering wheel hanging out of the fly zipper of his pants!

Not wanting to be nosey, the bar tender happily obliges, and the Pirate sips his rum quietly.

Finally, the bar tender can't stand it any more, and asks the Pirate, "excuse me sir, why do you have a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper there?"

The Pirate slowly turns and looks at bar tender, and in a thick Pirate accent he says, "Aaaaargh... it's drrriving me nuts!!"

[.Lefteris.]

lol

[Kertallica]

Funny funny!!! lol

[Abarthlyness]

Here are some good oneslol

Only in America!

Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



I know these don't all ONLY apply to America, but it's still pretty funny:D

[VilleV]

lol

[.Lefteris.]

lol lol lol

[5OO]

Stupid hot dog buns. lol

[Abarthlyness]

Stupid hot dog buns. lol

lol

I know right?!? Whose bright idea was that?

I'm telling you... It's a conspiracy lol

[.Lefteris.]

lol

I know right?!? Whose bright idea was that?

I'm telling you... It's a conspiracy lol
:roflmfao:

[navy48]

Use of Lipstick in School


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them,
and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the
little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip
prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.:icon_thumleft:

[.Lefteris.]

biggrin2

[Nat500]

lollollol Very funny! Has entertained me during my lunch break!

[.Lefteris.]

God
said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'

Adam
said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'


God
said, 'Go down
Into that
valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to

Him.Then God said,
'Cross the
river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The
other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do
that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it
Now?'

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

'What's a
headache?' <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>

[VilleV]

:roflmfao:

Cracked me up for sure!

[wreckmaster]

What is it with woman and headaches????????? It`s hard to be a manlol

[5OO]

Food Shortage: A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[VilleV]

:roflmfao: Hilarious!

[wreckmaster]

Excellentlollol

[Abarthlyness]

A guy is 74 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom..

[navy48]

One day, standing in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to his buddy Mike: "my elbow hurts like Hell, I think I'm going to have to see my doctor".

Mike says: "Listen, you don't need to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at the Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you exactly what is wrong with you and tell you what to do about it. It only takes about 10 seconds and costs $10, A LOT CHEAPER than a visit to your doctor."

So Joe goes home, deposits a urine sample in a small jar and heads to Wal-Mart. He deposits his $10 in the computer along with the urine sample. Ten seconds later, the computer prints out it's diagnosis:

"You have 'Tennis Elbow'. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting and strenous activity. I will improve in about 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began to wonder if he could fool the computer. He mixed up some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample from himself, just for good measure. Then he hurries back to Wal-Mart to check the results.

He deposits his $10, his sample and in 10 seconds he gets his diagnosis:

"Your tap water is too hard, get a water softner. We have them in Aisle 9. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo which can be found in the Pet Dept, Aisle 11. Your daughter has a cocaine habit, get her into rehab. You can get a referral at our Pharmacy. Your wife is pregnant with twins.....and they aren't yours. You can use an online referral site for an attorney. Finally, if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!"

[.Lefteris.]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[.Lefteris.]

Cop vs Lawyer




Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any hick cop from Houston, TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License, registration, and proof of insurance please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. 'License, registration, and proof of insurance please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License, registration, and proof of insurance please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my 'License, registration, and proof of insurance, and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the lawyer gets out and the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

[.Lefteris.]

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk!"

[navy48]

Dear Son,

I am writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time, and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes. :eek:

About your Father…he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your Sister…she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in an old pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down as it had rusted shut. :(

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for darn near three days. :p

Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.

Write more often.

Love Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

[navy48]

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

1) a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

2) a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

3) a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

NOTE: Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!:eek:

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one word of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[5OO]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[.Lefteris.]

lol

[navy48]

a husband and his wife of many years were enjoying an evening drink out on their porch. after a while, the man proclaimed "after all these years, I STILL love you!"

his wife looked at him and asked "so, is that YOU or the BEER talking?"

he husband quickly replied "honey, that's ME talking...........


.......TO THE BEER!" lol

[.Lefteris.]

lol

[navy48]

How Math has Changed Over the Past 60 Years:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20 ...

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2000s

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.

7. Teaching Math In 2011

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? :icon_rolleyes:

[wreckmaster]

lol:icon_thumleft:

[.Lefteris.]

THE FLYING BLONDE


This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies.

She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine. Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4? And I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .

[.Lefteris.]

How Math has Changed Over the Past 60 Years:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? ...........

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? :icon_rolleyes:

lol lol lol